The "Perfect" Job

In Hollywood, the best way to find inspiring and gratifying work, is by getting yourself on the "UTA Joblist" distribution list. Someone (I'm not sure exactly who) at UTA, publishes and sends out a twice-weekly list of openings with in the studio, agency and independent production community. Most of these jobs are executive, assistant and corporate, as oppose to "set" work.

The problem with this list, is that all the job advertisements pretty much sound the same, making it very difficult to decide what the best career choice is. Below, is one such an ad, that I recently found. It pretty much sums up what the average job entales. Happy hunting.

WANTED:

Non-descript, generic entertainment company, responsible for many important things of business, is seeking a bright, energetic and enthusiastic individual to join our growing team of management specialists.

This position will consist primarily of a regular, daily routine that will involve arriving at the work place in a timely fashion, and displaying a vain attempt at desire to be present, despite total contempt for the company, its officers and all other employees.

Required skills include, but are not limited to, making oneself “busy” for an entire 8 hour work day, with out upper-management being aware of the total lack of necessity for your position and labor; Great follow through skills, or in the absence of those skills, being able to cover up duties that have not yet been completed (or even disregarded entirely), to ensure that no one actually realizes the fact that you couldn’t give a damn about your responsibilities. The following skills would be preferred, but training will be provided: lying, backstabbing, deception, creative passiveness, pseudo-respect, and brown-nosing; ass-kissing, moral, and a “can-do” attitude.

Applicants should have a minimum of a bachelors degree (actual major and grades achieved are irrelevant) from a university we might have, in passing, heard of.

(NOTE: We do NOT consider your education to be adequate proof of intelligence, nor will you ever actually be required to use the knowledge you acquired during your four years of frat-parties and drinking, but we strongly believe in the status-quo, so, what the hell.)

Please send poorly formatted, rambling and irrelevant resumes, along with a self-indulgent, redundant cover-letter, to the following e-mail: theultimatejob@yahoo.com (not an actual address).

Please put the following quotation in the subject-line: “APPLICATION 1234A – DEPT. C”. We will consider your failure to complete this simple yet meaningless task as a sign of your inability to perform, and will banish your application to the recycling box upon receipt.