THE LOST PRESS-RELEASE(S)

On TUESDAY, DECEMBER 28th, 2004, 2 days after a giant wave in the Indian Ocean hit shores and killed over 135,000 people (including well over 11 Americans), The White House addressed the nation with a pledge of 15 million dollars in aid, for disaster relief. Wow, that’s a lot of Evian.

Shortly after, they bumped the figure up to 35 million. Then 85 million. Ok, a little better. I suppose that’s sympathetic to the cause.

Several strange and peculiar observations have already been made about the incident.

For instance, although there were millions of witnesses, and despite the enormity of the wave in question, no one seems to know where it went. One minute, a giant wall of water was careening towards shore, and the next, it just disappeared. How was it able to simply vanish so quickly? Did it retract back into the ocean? Did it escape into a near-by storm drain? Is it now hiding in toilet-bowls in New Zealand? One observer even suggests the wave never happened at all; it was simply the figment of a collective imagination.

No one has the answer.

Many have been asking: how could such a tragedy occur? Were there no warnings? Who’s to blame for the wave, and how can we stop similar events from happening in the future? Some have suggested a ban of all oceans, world wide, but this was quickly dismissed as simply too time-consuming. Besides, are we going to turn to rivers and Lakes next? After all, that’s where rivers end-up, in the ocean, right?

A major concern at the time of the attack, was what risk was there, if any, to the human population? Experts have assured us, that despite the enormous loss, the current world population is estimated to still be at a safe 6,350,538,084, Even though, all around us every day, millions upon millions of people are dieing. They are dieing, we’re told, from everything that includes car crashes to poorly ventilated kitchens, and yes, even old age. But don’t worry, more humans are coming to replace them; being born at the rate of 3 per second - WOW! What does this mean to the rest of us? Keep your hats on folks, ‘cause the human population is still safe (at least, for a little while).

What most people aren’t aware of, is that on MONDAY, right after the attack (err, tragedy) an initial press-release was issued by the White House. The press-release went mostly missing and was quickly covered up by certain “organizations” interested in protecting America’s best interest. Luckily, I managed to get hold of a copy of this press-release. Here, in its original, unedited format, for your reading pleasure, is the statement.
(blogger’s note: The following “statement” is entirely fictitious and is intended for personal amusement and entertainment. If offended, please refer to your web browser’s help file for instructions on how to leave my website.)

Fellow American’s and liberated citizens of the world. A great tragedy hit our planet yesterday, when a giant wave, known as a Tsu-na-mi, was triggered in the Indian Ocean by a sub-oceanic earthquake, sending walls of water a-shore in Southern Asia. Many innocent people have lost their lives in this devastating attack, but rest assured we are doing everything in our power to bring justice back to the oceans.

Despite our on-going campaign in liberating Iraq (from itself), the US Navy was immediately contacted and ordered to form a task-force in securing key oceanic zones, that could be at future risk. Despite recent military cut-backs, Donald Rumsfeld has outlined an emergency plan that will bring security back to the Indian Ocean.

A crack strategic team has been assembled in Delaware, from where the operation will be over-seen. Each member of the task-force will be issued one adult sized life-jacket, an emergency self-rescue whistle, as well as binoculars with which to watch possible future waves, from a safe distance. The team is made up of legal aid from the NY law-firm Moore, Sed, Givan, and Taekkon, military advice from Iceland, as well as bankers from Switzerland, who will do absolutely nothing.

The first goal of the task-force is to establish a multi-ocean warning system. This warning system, based in Massachusetts and operated by a team of MIT researchers, will consist of several colored “boxes” mounted on a ply-wood surface. A space-aged “aero”, developed by NASA and affixed with several steel fasteners, will be rotated to point at the various colored boxes, indicating several degrees of warning. For example, green will represent “indifference”, orange – “concern”, blue – “start looking busy”, purple – “time to raise taxes”, and red – “don’t panic, we’ve got everything under control”.

Currently, a fleet of several hundred Navy Seals, armed with fishing rods and inflatable dinghies, are paddling from the shores of Australia towards Cape Town, in an attempt to intercept any and all waves responsible. Although this plan of attack puts them on a 180 degree course in the opposite direction from the “hot spot”(or in this case the “wet spot”), Intelligence has told us that many more waves have recently been congregating near the cape. The Atlantic may also be involved, but at this point we can neither confirm nor deny this allegation. Our military advisors do not yet have a complete count, but estimates are in the billions upon trillions of suspected waves, currently inhabiting aquatic regions Surrounding South Africa.

Any Oceans found to be harboring similar waves, that could cause future Tsunamis, will be considered an enemy of all none-water nations. Due to the concern of potential Eastern European involvement, American soldiers are currently draining the Black Sea, to ensure it is not a threat to the neighboring Mediterranean, an important trade route. Where the water from the Black Sea will be stored in the meantime, has not yet been determined, but several plans are currently being considered in Delaware, by The International Task-Force on Aquatic Relations.

A follow-up briefing will be held tomorrow at this time. We will now take questions.

The press, international organizations, as well as several concerned citizen’s groups, were quick to criticize America’s lack of response. Here is what some of the reactions were, following the release above.

The inflatable dinghies, being supplied to the US Navy by Coach Builders of America (based in Albuquerque, New Mexico), will cost tax payers an estimated 4 billion dollars. When Rumsfeld was questioned as to why American soldiers were not being given more modern aluminum dinghies for the attack, he responded by pointing out that each crew had been issued a water-proof patching kit. The dinghies are being filled with hot air (supplied by the FBI and CIA) too make them lighter and more buoyant for the long journey.

In sympathy towards American families that lost loved-ones, who had been vacationing in Indonesia, the UN has agreed to enforce a world wide ban on bottled-water exports. France has been hit the hardest, as Evian and Perrier stocks plummet. Millions of travelers, returning home from New Years and Christmas celebrations, are now being held up at customs. A painstaking process of examining every drop of water, that could be potentially harboring a wave, is believed to be cause of all these flight delays. New detectors are currently being installed, that have the ability to detect microscopic traces of moister.

Canada, in conjunction with Amnesty international, is concerned that waves will be handled inhumanely by those seeking revenge and retaliation, and has launched a fleet of several hundred canoes, being manned by a crack team of UN peace-keepers normally stationed in Labrador. This Canadian “navy”, will be responsible for enforcing the rules of the Geneva Convention.

A major question on everyone’s mind has been, who will be footing the bill for the clean-up and how will the insurance industry handle such a devastating blow? Damages and repair claims are estimated in the billions. Lloyd’s of London was the first to respond, by stating that although this was technically a natural disaster, the clause “unforeseeable acts of God” would not cover the incident, since modern science has been able to show us that “waves” and “earthquakes” are in fact a perfectly natural phenomenon that can be predicted and calculated, and god is consequently not responsible. Secondly, they stated, the majority of citizens claiming damages belong to none-Christian religious groups, and that in an amendment to the original policy in question, the “god” referred to is in fact defined as one of Christian moral value.

Citizens in Michigan, concerned that Russia might send an attack wave by way of Canada, began sandbagging Lake Superior to protect themselves, from possible attack. Gun and ammunition stores are reporting long line-ups, and an unusual amount of requests for water-proof shot-guns, as well as whaling harpoons.

Bar Owners in Thunder Bay, Ontario, have responded to the signs of hostility, by refusing entry to Minnesotans between the ages of 19 and 21, who are known to cross the border for tax-free cigarettes and better beer.

Minnesotans have started their own retaliation to the retaliation, by sporting T-shirts that read, “MUCK FANADA! AND FICHIGIAN, TOO!”

SCOTT, the toilet paper company, has responded to the recent threat of potential violence, by donating a hundred million roles of extra-absorbent two-ply, for emergency purposes, to homes across America. In a press-release issued yesterday, SCOTT’s head of Marketing and Public relations announced:

“We at SCOTT-brand tissue-paper believe in freedom and democracy the world over. New Tsu-na-mi Brand extra-absorbent toilet paper is a step in the right direction for Liberty and justice.”

The Pacific Ocean issued the following statement:

We extend our sympathies to all the victims, both human and water born, in this tragic turn of events. Despite having a history of similar marine disasters, we denounce the inhumanity of this most recent event, and will do everything in our power to aid in the return of calm to the world’s waterways.

The Atlantic responded with its own statement:

Fellow Oceans, Gulfs, straights and Seas. The events of this past weekend were devastating and traumatic for all, both the victims and the survivors. As an ocean, often responsible for waves of various sizes, we denounce the use of waves as they were recently used in South Asia, but must remind the world, that as much as we sympathize with the victims of this tragedy, we must insist that all acts of retaliation are carried out in a way that is in accordance with international law. The recent draining of the Black Sea was both unjustified and an immoral act of revenge and emotion. This can not - and will not - be tolerated.

In response to this statement, many smaller, often over-looked oceans, The Gulf of Bothnia, Hudson Bay, the Sea of Okhotsk as well as the Bering Straight, are all coming together in aid. They have agreed on a 30 day “freeze” on all marine-ally influenced weather, to help ease the hunt for potential suspect waves.

Along with the Black sea, the Ocean’s of Antarctica were also targeted, as well as the Caspian Sea. The Antarctic responded by stating most of its water has been frozen for several billion years, and had neither the technology, nor the resources to produce a wave of such magnitude. President Bush, not entirely convinced, sent in a task force armed with hair driers to melt the caps and seek out water molecules that could potentially be turned into more waves. The Caspian Sea on the other hand, insisted it was land-locked and, therefore, not even a real “Sea” to begin with.

Michael Moore, in protest against American foreign policy, accused the White House of having themselves triggered the wave, in an attempt to divert attention from its recent activities in Iraq. He went on to point out that the US has had at least 2 oceans at its shores since the Second World War, making them equally responsible for the recent attacks. Secondly, Bush has been known to vacation in the Gulf of Mexico, were he was recently spotted smoking Cuban Cigars.

Families in Nebraska have been packing up their belongings and heading for higher ground, in preparation for potential future attacks. They acknowledge that although they are nowhere near the oceans in which waves have been most recently spotted, one can not exercise too much caution. The mayor of the small Nebraskan town of McCook, has ordered the citizens of his town to turn on all their water faucets and to keep them running, draining ALL water into the sewers. He hopes to get rid off the entire town’s water supply, before it has the opportunity to attack. In a triumphant speech given in front of the town hall on Wednesday, the Mayor, known around these parts simply as “Slick”, stated:

“Together, and with the power of God behind us, we can over come the evil forces of our shower-heads and toilets, proving the resilience and honor that makes McCook the fine town that it is!!!!”


THANKS FOR READING.
THE ABOVE REPORT WAS PROUDLY SPONSORED BY:

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